Wanted: An Honest Opinion.

I was recently reading through stuff that I’ve written for my novel, you know just to make sure it’s up to scratch, and I discovered that I’m a little concerned about my prologue, my earliest piece of writing with regards to Halfbreed.

Of course it might be just that thing where the more I read it the more I find to criticise about it. So I came up with the ingenious solution of posting it on here. Please tell me what you think, whether there’s anyway of improving it and what you think might not work:

 

The feel of the light breeze upon my cheek, the sweet sound of singing birds mixed with the gentle gurgling of a small river running along the land. The breeze turning into a calm wind, whistling through the outstretched branches belonging to the towering trees, and sweeping through tangled grass and wild flowers.

  The small sensation of spreading warmth as the glow of the rising sun touched my skin. Where is it all?

  All I can see now is an ominous darkness surrounding me. All I can smell now is nothing. My ears strain to reach out into the darkness trying to pick up the smallest of sounds, but hear nothing. Even as I speak, my voice does not exist. I dream for a light breeze to brush against my cheek, but no matter how much I wish I feel no breeze.

  Somehow I know that beyond this darkness nothing lives. No cities, no towns, not even a village.

  Images flash through my mind, someone’s memories. My memories? Violence, fire, blood, death, madness. These memories all feel so strange and alien but somehow familiar.

  They must be mine, but I don’t remember.

  Question upon question forms in my mind, chasing each other in circles making it almost impossible to tell where one starts and another ends, maybe if I calm down I could search these memories and find my answers.

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10 responses to “Wanted: An Honest Opinion.

  • showard76

    I like it! There is a hook, it makes you want to read on. I’m no expert but I think it is a good start! 🙂

  • beckyday6

    Your writing a novel? Thats awsome! Whats it about?
    I like this as a prolouge, it sparks my interest. 🙂
    One thing I would suggest is at the start I did feel a bit, I can’t quite think of the right word, disoriented maybe because you gave the description of trees ect, but I didn’t know how she was seeing it; if that makes sense. So if you maybe switched the first sentence around to say “I looked out over the horizen” or “I looked over the land” first and then start the description that might be better.
    Also you say “I dream for a light breeze to brush against my cheek, but no matter how much I wish I feel no breeze” and you have the word breeze twice, which to me, didn’t quite read right, but when I reread it I understood why you’d done it. So you could maybe change one of the “breezes” to air, or gust, or something, but thats just a personal preference thing 🙂
    Hope that helps. I look foward to hearing more of this story if you decide to post it! 🙂

    • Summer Grant

      Indeed, I’ve been at it for a while though haha, thought I should get my education out of the way first. It’s fantasy, naturally, and it’s about a girl called Callia who’s trying to save her brother but along the way she finds herself in a bit of bother and ultimately leads to a massive confrontation. There’s more to it than that but I don’t want to give everything away but it involves vampires and elves all in one story!
      Thank you for your help, I will definitely toy around with it 🙂

      • beckyday6

        Haha, of course 😉 Sounds good! And it has a combination of two out of my three favorite mythical characters, excellent 🙂 Are you going to try and get it published after?

  • Jeremy Burrows

    Did you consider dropping the first two paragraphs, and beginning the story with “All I can see now . . ?” Elaborate on this feeling of isolation. What specifically does the narrator experience in their mind? What emotions do these images bring to them? A little bit further along (not too many pages later), an explanation can be given as to why the beginning is presented in this manner and how it introduces the main character or storyline.

  • Summer Grant

    Becky, what’s the other one, is it werewolves? Yeah, I’m going to try my darndest 🙂

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